Tuesday, January 3, 2012

How NOT to start 2012

Dear Sir/Madam,

I have just finished my 145,283 word YA paranormal romance fiction novel. I started it for NaNoWriMo and finished it last night. It will appeal to both fans of Harry Potter and Twilight because of the passionate romance and magical elements. I'm convinced it will be a million dollar bestseller.

What would you do if you found out you were adopted and your real parents were merpeople?

Midville, Iowa is a small town where the most exciting thing to happen is the annual tractor pull. It's the perfect place for Jane Smith because she's not that exciting herself. When she's not reading or chasing butterflies, she's helping her father in the cornfields. Living in a land-locked state, she never would've guessed her roots were deep seeded in water.

Until she goes on a family beach vacation to California and nearly drowns in the surf. A sexy, suave and somewhat broodish merman named Finn pulls her from the water, and Jane's life gets flipped upside-down when he tells her she was born with scales.
Finn helps Jane reconnect with her fishy past, and as she learns to swim again, they splash into deep sea romance. But when it's time for her to go home, she has to decide: to stay underwater with Finn or return to her quiet life on land. The choice she makes will be forever.

I have been writing since I was seven-years-old. My first short story, Fido's Day at the Park, won my second grade fiction contest and I received A's on all of my English papers. I practice underwater basket weaving and play kickball on the weekends, and have an extensive stamp collection. My mother and best friend have both read the first chapters of the manuscript and love it. You have a week to review the material. If I don't hear from you by Friday, I will stop by the office to follow-up.

Sincerely,
Aspiring Writer


...with a bad query letter. I would like to say this is the worst, but I'm sure agents have read some that make this look quality. It's the worst I could come up with, so have fun, pick it apart and laugh because that is what I wrote it for. Later this week, I'll update with redlines pointing out all of the horrible, terrible, awful mistakes I made. You should be able to spot them all right away, but if you can't, go visit the Query Shark. NOW. I mean it. I'll wait.

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