Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Facebook Things that Annoy Me

Statuses that start with "I am so blessed...."
I just hate the idea that the Universe hands out good jobs and cute babies and helpful friends like it's a lottery or something. Take some credit for yourself! It was your good genes and good parenting skills that gave you that sweet baby. You worked hard and earned that job. You have good friends because you are a good friend. All you are blessed with is the sense to value what you have.

"I trusted you, and you broke my heart. Karma's coming for you...blah blah blah." Everyone knows who you are talking about and we are  friends with your cheating boyfriend too. Facebook is not the place to announce your break-up and it most certainly isn't the place to air your dirty laundry. My friends are in their thirties. About fifteen to twenty years past this bullshit. So why am I seeing it?

Oh Baby
It's like a veritable baby fiesta on my Facebook status, and yes, I do like seeing pictures of your children, and I like to know what you and they are doing, but I don't need to know about every shit your child takes, and I absolutely do not want to see the photo of them taking it.

Some moments are meant to be private, like your labor. I do not care if you took an epidural or not, and when you blast out what a champion you are for surviving 1800 hours of labor with nothing except a splintery piece of wood gritted in your teeth, it sounds like you are trying to put us sane mothers to shame for not being masochists. Trust me, we think you're crazy. We just don't have the need to point it out on Facebook.

Game Requests
Is there anything else that reeks so strongly of desperation? Every time I get a game request, I shake my head in shame. It's like an advertisement you're sending out about how sad your life is, and now, you're trying to drag me down with you. No, I'm sorry. I do things. I go outside. I have friends. I do not need to crush candy or kill angry birds to be fulfilled. What's worse is you keep sending them over and over again, in the hopes I'll give in and you'll get those last few precious points you need to move onto the next level. Oh dear friend, I won't give in. I'll only weep for you.

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